Just Like A Butterfly

I like to reinvent myself. Sometimes just for fun other times I'll do it to bring out another part of my personality. I'll create another character in my mind with the characteristics that I like and act like them. Kind of taking the "fake it til you make it approach" to the problem.

My friend and I used to do it all the time in high school. We did it to express ourselves without feeling guilty or nervous about it. Its a lot easier to blame Jessica for acting out than yourself. It may sound weird and childish. But it works. During that time I've never been more motivated to do more and be more than what I am. Every phase in my life I made a new character. It made my life interesting. But as I got older I started to wonder who I was. Was this something I really wanted to do or was this just another person I was pretending to be ? At the end of the day I started to wonder who I was. So I ditched the personas and focused on myself and who I really was.

Soon after I remembered why I created those people. I was shy, and timid. I always longed to be bold and daring but didn't have the confidence to actually be bold and daring. I also feared change, I don't like to try anything new. I rarely would speak my mind because I didn't want to ruffle feathers, get down and dirty,or be too different. I wanted too fit in. My personas however didn't give a fuck. They're everything I want to be and more. They live life how they see fit and while the "real" me is to scared to wear heels out in public.  I never hoped, I wouldn't dream. I lived my life by the rule "keep your expectations low and your head lower. " 

With my personas that rule doesn't exist, it's unheard of! And I love that. Sometimes I wonder will the real me ever come out of her shell and embrace life. Or perhaps, if my personas are the real me just off the leash. I will say I smile brighter and harder with the "fake" me's than I ever did the real. I guess it all comes down to whatever makes you happy right ?